i have a secret.

Today is a start to an end. A new way of thinking. Not another commitment to a glorious body transformation or some attempt to lose weight for summer. This start is to healthy. Mind, body, and soul healthy. I’ve realized behind the mask of Kelsey Miller, the happy, smiling, sarcastic girl taking funny snapchats and artsy hipster photos; there is a different girl. One I’ve been hiding. Someone I’ve actually been for a long time now but have done a damn good job of masking. 

 I have a different side. A deep secret. One that has worked it’s way in and out of my life for years on end. Today I’m ready to share. Removing this mask to show you my whole self. The not so glamorous me.

 My secret is I have been suffering, and I am ready for it to stop. I have battled eating disorders in the past. Allowing for me to be hyper body conscious. I have extreme body dysmorphia and self hate at times. I “fixed” my eating disorders or so I thought- and started using exercise as a means of changing myself opposed to simply feeling good. It became a task. A check mark on my to do list. Health became an obsession, my new addiction. I have made health, unhealthy. A true orthorexic. 

It has come to my awareness, that it needs to stop. 

For far too long I have lived inside this place of darkness. Constantly battling these voices inside my head telling me I’m not good enough. What started as not skinny enough, lead to not lean enough, not muscular enough. I can’t track my macros perfect enough. You have no self control. You don’t push yourself hard enough at the gym. You didn’t work out today, you suckkkkkkkkk. You’re eating healthy and still not leaning out. What is wrong with you. You made a commitment to a bikini competition and still are yet to step on stage. Wow, such a failure. GUILT GUILT GUILT. It consumes me. 

I spend all my time thinking about food and how it’s going to impact the rest of my day. I allow my body’s reflection to dictate my moods. I’ve let my body define ME. 

Do I look fat? Do my arms look too big in this shirt? Ew my back is way to wide. Oh godddd sidefatttt, I need to wear a baggy shirt and for sure do extra cardio tonight, obviously that is going to fix me…. once it’s gone I’ll feel happy.

 I also should mention I’ve been diagnosed with IBS and PMDD. I have tested positive for candida multiple times, and have leaky gut, food sensitivities as well as extreme anxiety. All things that were side effects of disordered eating patterns for years on end. Things I live with now after hurting myself for years. I’ll spare the details of my past, but it has been a long, abusive road for my body. Each of these diagnoses play into the physical components of this skewed relationship I have with, yes, FOOD. I have forgotten how to eat intuitively. I have a love/hate relationship with food. I can no longer eat without attempting to hit some number that was simply given to me based off something that has worked for someone else and not ME. Not my body. I have associated FEAR with EATING! I eat and immediately fear the physical side effects to come. The stomach pains, bloating, anxiety, wanting to just lay on the floor. I am living my life totally obsessed with food and my body. How I look to the external world. This is my normal. Welcome to my headspace. 

It needs to stop. 

Today I am choosing to break free of this mindset. I am stepping away from diet culture. A culture that has manipulated, twisted, and totally distorted my ability to listen to my own body. Let’s starve ourselves to be thin. Never mind, let’s be vegan because #health DUH! Just kidding macros are the way to go because now I can eat junk and, I mean, it fits my numbers so my body is still gunna feel just fine. HIGH PROTEIN OR ELSE! Then, I’m gunna step on stage naked and get judged based on how lean I look. Sounds fucking awesome. Actually, I’m not ready. I won’t ever look as good as those girls, let’s just eat clean because that makes the most sense. I don’t need all that extra stuff in my system. High fat, low carb, metabolic damage, yeah I have that.  Like, HOLY SHIT. This is absolutely insane, and not even the start to explaining the ten year battle I’ve faced with my body and food in general. The saddest part, I’m only 26. How have I already been on so many diets. Those were the healthiest years of my metabolism, and I destroyed it. Guys, this is not living. This is not healthy. 

I am finally at the point where I’m looking at the whole picture, and what these patterns are doing for my life in general. Absolutely N O T H I N G. Do I want people to know me as the girl at the gym, or the girl who couldn’t go out to dinner without ordering a salad, or having to track every single thing she put in her mouth? Fuck that. I want to be known for my light. For the energy that I carry. For the life I lead and the things I am passionate about. I am so much more than who I’ve been.

So it’s time for a change. As scary as breaking habits is, I refuse to continue to lead an obsessive life. One that has continuously hurt my body all while forcing me to miss out on the positive, beautiful things going on around me. All of this just so I could make it to the gym and not feel fat in my clothing. To prove myself. To thinking once I’m “this” I’ll be happy. No. It’s time to start loving me. Not this body, but this soul. 

I am aware so many other people live in this way. I know I am not the only one stuck in my head. We suffer silently. Trying to change our external shell. To become whatever is ingrained into our heads so deeply that we forget the special people we are. We forget to embrace our individuality. What’s inside. Chronically dieting all while hating ourselves. It makes me so, so sad. We have so much more to offer to the world beyond our bodies. Our brains are beautiful. You are beautiful. Right now. 

I know how damaging it is, and how alone it feels. So I am choosing to be vulnerable with this. It needs to be talked about. I am going to share, and honestly discuss how I’m feeling through something that brings me fulfilment- my words and my pictures. I will be putting everything and anything into this that is healing to me. All of it. In writing this I have no intention of claiming to be anything. I am no health expert. I am not a dietician. And, also ugh I have a pretty shiny piece of paper declaring I have completed my BA in Psychology from MSU (Go Green ✌🏻) I am not anything credible. This isn’t another health blog. I am sharing my story, and my experiences because it helps me. It helps me heal, it helps me stay authentic to myself, as well as be relatable to others around me. Take it as you wish. 

Of course this doesn’t mean I am throwing health out the window. I also don’t want people who kill it competing or are passionate about food in general to be offended. I totally support you too. It’s just not what is right for me, my mind, or my body. My approach to health needs to be much more wholesome, less obsessive and much more mindful and geared towards longevity opposed to body transformation. This is simply going to be, me. It’s time to fill up my soul. To start embracing the little things and all the light this world has to offer. 
Cheers to day 1 and owning my struggle: I started my day out- actually eating breakfast! Normally I wouldn’t eat until the afternoon.  So the first of many changes- Behold. My bomb assss smoothie. Artistically photographed at 6am while I let my dog outside. It basically had an entire salad in it. Big surprise, I have a lot more energy this morning. Probably because I fed my brain and body with a TON of micronutrients instead of straight caffeine. Yay! Waking up with intention actually made me feel like I had my life somewhat together for once, try that shit. Enjoy✨